Dear Venus Envy,

A woman I was with recently wanted me to fist her, but it’s not really part of my repertoire so it was a little hit or miss getting into the sweet spot. Once I did find the right spot, she got really into it, really bearing down into that particular pleasure. 

Can you walk me through the best way to approach fisting, for next time? I’m down for pleasuring partners, but this isn’t something I have experience with or particularly desire for myself, so have a hard time knowing what’s good.

Sincerely,
Frantic for Insertion Safety Tips
Dear FIST,

I’ll start this answer with some blunt myth busting, for any readers who aren’t even sure what you’re talking about. First, vaginal fisting is not the same thing as punching someone in the vagina. That’s up there in the most ridiculous sentences I’ve ever typed — and yet it’s still the most common misconception I hear.

Second, a fisting fist is not the same as a punching fist — it’s more like a duck bill or shadow puppet you make with your hand. 

When you know what you’re doing, fisting can be a transcendental experience.

And myth number three is one that’s always worth busting: porn is for entertainment, not for education. Just because fisting happens one way in porn, doesn’t mean you should expect it to happen that way in real life.

So, how do you fist someone and hit their sweet spots? The quick answer is very very slowly and using lots of lube.

The longer answer starts with some vaginal anatomy. When someone isn’t physically aroused, their vaginal walls will be relaxed against each other, creating a fairly narrow canal. As someone gets more and more turned on, the vagina starts to balloon, with the vaginal canal getting wider and longer.

Fisting someone who’s not physically aroused will be uncomfortable or painful because there won’t be as much space for your hand. So you need to start out by getting really, really turned on.

Light candles and sprinkle rose petals, turn on some porn, or tell your roommate to go out for the night -— whatever works for you and your fistee. Some people like to have an orgasm or two beforehand, while others want to go straight to the main event.

You’ll also want to gather your supplies. I recommend using latex or nitrile gloves for fisting, so that your nails don’t accidentally cause any cuts. You’ll also need a high quality, long-lasting lube. And a towel never hurts if you want to protect your good sheets.

Once you’re ready to go, slide in one or two fingers, curled toward the belly. Lots of people like clitoral stimulation at the same time, so use your thumb or a vibe, depending on what the other person likes. Ask them to tell you when they’re ready for more, and add in one finger at a time, always adding more lube too.

Eventually, you’ll have all five fingers inside, making that duck bill/shadow puppet shape. Once your fistee is ready, you can gently move your knuckles inside their vagina, so that your hand is fully enveloped.

Before you do this, you may want to gently turn your hand so that your knuckles end up pressed against the g-spot instead of the tailbone. (Depending on the size of your hand, it might be hard to turn it once you’re fully inside). Your hand might naturally curl into more of a fist at this point, or you can intentionally do this if the other person wants it.

Just keeping your hand still like that will offer powerful sensations for most people. You could also tenderly rock your hand from side-to-side, or up and down, or even add very gentle thrusting.

Make sure you ask explicitly before trying any movement, though. Fisting can be physically and emotionally intense, and needs to be done with care the whole way through.

On the way out, add more lube, and go as slowly as you did on the way in.

When you know what you’re doing, fisting can be a transcendental experience. Some fisting fans would describe it as intense or emotional, an act that leads to new levels of intimacy.

Others love the kinky idea of fisting, of embracing greediness and its taboo pleasure. Most everyone who’s into fisting will savour the delicious feeling of fullness that comes from having a whole hand inside.

For further reading, I’d recommend Deborah Addington’s excellent book A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting.

Sincerely,
Sam Whittle
Sex Educator and Owner of Venus Envy

Send questions you want answered to editors@leveller.ca or direct to Sam at education@venusenvy.ca.

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