By Medium Rare
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
(Celebrity birthdays: Rosa Luxemburg, Abdullah Öcalan, Jackie Chan)
Better watch out, Aries: this just might be the best month you’ve ever had. Now I can’t make any promises, but with things looking like they do… well, damn. I almost wish the signs were more ambiguous, as it would give me reason to write this prognostication in a way that might be more amusing and less exuberant (exuberance, as you know, being the death of poetic subtlety).
But damn! Aries! You’re in for some unreasonable delights this month. Enjoy them! Exuberance! 100% guaranteed!
(Disclaimer: Nothing is actually guaranteed.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
(Celebrity birthdays: Malcolm X, Maximillien Robespierre, Elizabeth II)
This time last year, Taurus, you were the monarch. You sat pretty on your throne of alabaster, presiding over court and country, accepting the charms of sycophants, and listening as best you could to the advice that came from your grand vizier. But oh, how things have changed: now your days are filled with the lessons of the earth. Now it isn’t jewels that hang from your ears and neck, but worms!
How long can you persist in this place until you finally disappear? Will you master this realm, too, Taurus? Or will you find other lands to rule?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
(Celebrity birthdays: Elizabeth Fry, Subcomandante Marcos, Kanye West)
This month, Gemini, don’t be afraid to embrace the pulchritude of the pachyderm. I mean it: if you love bush elephants so much, just go on safari. They’re there, they’re beautiful, and they can be very inspiring.
True, with their impressive proboscises they can pass any smell test — but, all the same, it would be unwise to get so into the experience that you start talking politics. Hulking grey masses of flesh are fine to admire, but take their opinions with a grain of salt, okay, dear Gemini?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
(Celebrity birthdays: Emma Goldman, Octavia Butler, Tom Hanks)
Your insistence on playing the good guy, Cancer, has indeed brought you some success, but don’t you find it all a bit limiting? Your feet long for the stomp of a busy street, your arms long to swing recklessly from side to side.
What if you put in for the role of the villain in a community theatre production of Toy Story? You could play, uh, Sid — that’s his name — the Grendel of that little opera. Wouldn’t it be nice to finally strut and cause damage?
This month, Cancer, find a good way to be bad.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
(Celebrity birthdays: James Baldwin, Jean Baudrillard, Madonna)
You’ve always longed to be a person of substance, haven’t you, Leo? Yet what substance that is has never been clear. Are you wood? How about stone? Fire? Flesh?
Our world is full of materials from which you could be made, and figuring out what you’re made of could have profound consequences. For instance, we all know we should reduce our use of plastics, but what would that mean for you if it turns out your DNA is actually BPA?
Keep digging if you dare, Leo, but be wary of uncovering those secrets that are best kept hidden.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
(Celebrity birthdays: Paulo Freire, Leo Tolstoy, Keanu Reeves)
You’re the One, Virgo, that much is obvious to anyone who’s been watching for 136 minutes. Your life has seemed ordinary of late… too ordinary. Every day it’s the same oatmeal, the same toast, the same cubicle.
But one day this month, when it comes time for dessert, you will open the cutlery drawer to discover nothing but forks. “There is no spoon!” you scream into the night. What is happening?
It seems like plugging in was the easy part, Virgo. How you get out is anyone’s guess.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
(Celebrity birthdays: Ursula K. Le Guin, Backxwash, Mahatma Gandhi)
There’s a hunger inside you, isn’t there? You haven’t truly fed in a while, and the gnawing void inside is starting to drive you mad.
What would you consume, Libra, if you were to ever truly have your druthers? I imagine it would be the national dish of your ancestors, whoever they are. Or maybe you’d go your own way, free to feast on whatever savoury thing strikes your fancy… and then again perhaps your appetite this month is for the unsavoury instead.
Whatever you need this month, Libra, make sure that you get it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
(Celebrity birthdays: Kathleen Hanna, Alan Moore, Bill Gates)
From a certain perspective, Scorpio, your world is tiny and soft, like that of a baby chicken. Yet on your face sits a hard and tiny nugget: your beak. You already used it once to penetrate the hard shell of your egg, delivering yourself from the blackness in which you came into being and springing into an existence defined by light. When you emerged you found yourself surrounded by the comfy, cuddlesome bodies of your brethren, but — alas — life beyond the creche is full of terrors.
This month, Scorpio, consider carefully how far you wish to stray from the safety of the nest.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
(Celebrity birthdays: Arundhati Roy, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill)
You consider yourself a polarizing figure, Sagittarius, simultaneously a modern champion and prone to wallowing (be it in your own crapulence or something equally sinister).
The truth, you rightly feel, lies somewhere in the middle. You are a being capable of achieving extraordinary things — even if, like most humans, your days are mostly filled with unimportant nonsense.
Getting up off the couch is never easy, even when you have important work to do, but this month, Sagittarius, make the effort.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
(Celebrity birthdays: Greta Thunberg, Chris Ware, Martin Luther King Jr.)
It may not seem this month like your life is doing much to change the course of history, dear Capricorn, but have faith. You’ve heard of the butterfly effect – the idea that a butterfly flapping its wings deep in the Amazon can have a profound impact on events around the globe? Well, you’re able to do far more than any butterfly — that much should be clear, even if the result is a bit unpredictable.
Embrace the chaos: if you feel yourself in doubt about what to do this month, Capricorn, find a wing and flap it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
(Celebrity birthdays: Frederick Douglass, Angela Davis, Abraham Lincoln)
Your signature hat and hair combo, Aquarius, have made you a fixture at the performing arts space, but perhaps it’s time to change things up. It’s not that you don’t look good — you do — but all things must come to an end sooner or later. Perhaps this is the month where you ditch the same old style and come in with something that really shocks your onlookers.
A stovetop hat in brilliant vermillion would certainly do the trick, but if that’s not available I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Your lucky number, Aquarius, is 13.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
(Celebrity birthdays: John Trudell, Jiang Qing, Bruce Willis)
Yippee ki-yay, Pisces! This twisting and turning month will draw you into heroic conflict with external forces of a mysterious and uncompromising nature. The challenges that come up might be more fun than usual, as each will be a new opportunity to show off your superhuman abilities.
However, take care to ensure that you have a good pair of shoes and, if you must tape something to your back, do it right: these baddies aren’t messing around. Try hard, Pisces, and this month you will prevail.