By Medium Rare

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – HMS Victory

To victory, Taurus! This month you are well-placed for some truly heroic accomplishments if you just let your innate courage flow through you. You have an opportunity to use your powers for good and leave bullies in your wake — yet to truly enter the history books you may need to make a sacrifice. Everyone is expected to do their duty – but do you even know what your duty is? The only way forward is forward, so unfurl the sails and catch the wind. To victory!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – HMS Endeavour

Sometimes it’s fun to go incognito, Gemini. In fact, staying secret is something that can really benefit an explorer, as it’s much easier to see things as they are when one’s presence isn’t causing disruption. Yet it’s sometimes hard not to swagger, especially when what you’ve done is so noteworthy, and this is what gets you into trouble. What if Captain Cook had behaved himself when visiting Hawaii? Though it can be hard, humility and respect are always the best ways forward – and a solid anti-colonialist agenda never hurts either.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – USS Monitor

Diving in takes a lot of bravery, doesn’t it, Cancer? To swim is to expose oneself to sharks and nasty otters, and this represents an unacceptable risk. So, ever-true to your crustacean roots, your way of staying safe in the briny blue led you to innovate something no one else would have considered: you built yourself a shell. Inside your shell you know you’re safe. You have almost everything you need in there: snacks, drinks, even air. The only thing you don’t have? You know what it is, but to find it you’ll need to monitor things closely, Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) – Cutty Sark

You’d cross an ocean for a perfect cup of tea — you know it’s true, Leo. It’s not that you strictly need it, as you’ve always been quite adaptable to your environment. You’ve built yourself to last, and one day, if you can keep out of trouble, nimble poets may take notice and let their exalted pens venerate your accomplishments. And yet there’s something so lovely about drinking from your special mug… So go on. Get yourself a cuppa: you’re so speedy you’ll be back before anyone even notices you’ve left.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – HMS Beagle

This month, Virgo, your desire to explore may become overpowering. A well-trained downward-facing dog is nice to have, but is that really the type of dog inside you? You seek a kind of evolution that is all your own — the kind that may seem unthinkable, until you prove it can indeed be done. Life comes in many forms, and this month yours may move as slowly as a Galapagos tortoise or it may bound forth like a beagle. Whatever pace it takes, you’d be wise to take notes: you and your supporters will want them later. 

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) – The Mayflower

All you wanted, Libra, was a better life. Paradise could exist, it must! So you gathered as many as you could, as many as would cooperate, and brought them with you. What good is paradise without others to share it with? And so you went searching, and the path you found was full of trials. 

At the end you found something, but it was strange. Things are different now, it’s true, but are they better? What may flower here? Do you ever miss what you left behind?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – The Flying Dutchman

Like a ghost ship doomed to sail the ocean and to never rest in port, yours can be a life of struggle, Scorpio. Wouldn’t it be nice to put your feet up at a warm inn and say farewell, even for just a night, to the barnacles that burden you? Though you may feel forgotten at times, so long as a name is spoken around the fire the legend of its bearer will live on. Your legend lives on, Scorpio, at least for now – but is that enough?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – USS Enterprise AKA The Starship Enterprise

You say you’re ready to live long and prosper, Sagittarius, but is that really the truth? The curve of the earth means that even with binoculars you’ll never see the other side of it, so perhaps it’s high time you made yourself a spaceship out of glue and popsicle sticks and got yourself a better view. How compatible is protracted vitality and a healthy pension with your penchant for adventure anyway? Stop waiting, Sagittarius: the warp drive hums for thee.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – USS Constitution AKA Old Ironsides

Let it be known that you, Capricorn, are sturdy and resilient. Your captains would have gladly gone down with their ship, yet none have ever had cause to, as you have proven impossible to sink. What’s your secret to staying so upright? Sharing it would put the chiropractors of the world out to sea, but you’ll never tell, will you Capricorn? The only hint you let slip is that it lies deep in something oblique. Is the answer as simple as daily core maintenance? Is that why they call you Old Ironsides?

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – HMS Bounty

Some might call them trust issues, but, to paraphrase a famous Heller, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not about to mutiny. Yes, Aquarius, this month you’re sailing on the HMS Bounty. Your role on the ship is up to you: will you be the star-crossed captain, who mans the helm but is doomed to be set adrift? Or are you the dastardly lieutenant, who will lead the mutineers on a cursed journey and never again see home? Whatever you choose, the seas ahead are full of intrigue. Your lucky number is 1789.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) – RV Calypso

Your longing for wonder once caused you to roam the seas like a magical spotted shark, Pisces, but these days it’s harder to find the things that make you feel small. Of course you still enjoy your work – why wouldn’t you? – but when a school of glowing pink lion carp doesn’t make you stop and say “wow” perhaps it’s time you found your way to port. Maybe the ennui will pass – stranger things have happened, and you’ve seen a fair few – but if it doesn’t please don’t feel ashamed: all adventures end eventually.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)Titanic

Just like the Titanic, which both launched and sunk under your sign, Aries, a relationship that’s dear to you is headed for the bottom of the deep blue sea. But it all started so auspiciously! You set out from the golden port on gentle seas — yet hubris made it hard to listen and soon enough things got icy. Now you’re learning that communication suffers when you feel like you’re drowning. Really the only thing for it is to cough up the water, find a queen-sized piece of flotsam to stretch out on, and patiently wait for rescue.

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