By Medium Rare
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Shriek, Scorpio, shriek! Too often you’ve kept your true feelings in a box – but, at last, the time has come for you to immerse the world in the sound bath of your piercing, banshee song. But what will dance past your lips when at last you open them? A lament? A lullaby? A call for justice?
Whatever you choose to sing need not grate: look up the Irish art of “sean-nos singing” for inspiration if you need some. We’ve all been waiting for you, Scorpio — don’t deny us the gift of what dwells inside any longer.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
It’s been far too long, Sagittarius, that you’ve felt like that proverbial chicken, running around despite a grievous neck wound and what should have been a mortal separation from its brain. But maybe this too is an opportunity. Is it possible that your clever thoughts — brilliant and important though they are — have been getting in the way of you truly being?
This month, Sagittarius, find a way to laugh in the, ahem, face of headlessness and use the opportunity to get more in touch with your body.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Much like that paragon of persistence, the relentless zombie, you hate giving up on anything — isn’t that right, Capricorn? Your commitment to self-improvement is laudable, but just like the aforementioned zombie — whose quest for brains often finds him looking down the business end of a twelve-gauge — this single-minded pursuit can get you in trouble.
You might not need to change your goal, Capricorn, but you should carefully reconsider the way you’re going about it. While a single reanimated corpse is easy enough to pick off, there is strength in numbers. This month seek out like-minded allies, Capricorn, as it is your compatriots who will ultimately lift you to success.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Beep beep! Boop boop! A special Halloween message is coming in just for you, Aquarius, something from beyond this world, something that appears to be extraterrestrial in origin. What could it say… Yes! It’s the message you’ve been waiting for! Beep boop! Boop beep! The message is garbled and difficult to understand, but — beepity beep! boopity boop! — the news is… good!
The rest of the message is scattered and incomplete, but you’ve always had an eye for the unusual, Aquarius. This month, your mission is to look for messages everywhere. Beepity boopity… bazoop!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
There comes a time, Pisces, when, in taking stock of our situation, we realize that something ominous is brewing. At some point it will dawn on you that you really are in hot water. (Was that an eye of newt that just floated past?) No matter: you swim around in circles, because here in the cast-iron black where else is there to go?
Yet, when your toil has doubled and the fire burns and the cauldron bubbles, you’ll see that it’s all far too late to do anything about it. But it’s not too late now, Pisces — is it?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ve never just been a sheep, Aries, though it’s true that some have misread you as one. Yes, you play their game, walking that narrow path with the others, chewing your cud, keeping your head down, lest someone spot you for what you really are.
Yet hidden beneath your woolly exterior you keep a secret — something devastating, something that only you and those closest to you will ever understand. There’s something inside you that bites, something that one day soon will claw its way out. Are you ready for it, Aries, whatever it is? Are any of us?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Remember when you were small, Taurus, and you were sent to bed before you were ready? Alone in the dark, you really would try to sleep — squeezing your eyelids tight, willing yourself to slumber.
But that’s not how sleep works.
Wrapped in blankets, you’d slip out of the warmth and quietly make your way to your bedroom door. What were you looking for? The bathroom? A glass of water? Perhaps you just needed to see a human face — anything to interrupt the loneliness of the night.
Did you ever find it, Taurus, or are you still looking?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will find yourself at a crossroads this month, Gemini, but you won’t be there alone. The well-dressed devil who greets you is a charming and mysterious fellow — as devils are wont to be — but don’t underestimate yourself.
While this devil may have had the upper hand in all his previous dealings, he’s never before met the likes of you. You came to him like all the others, with a desire and something precious to trade… but unlike those other suckers, you will be a step ahead. There’s no way this could go wrong — isn’t that right, Gemini?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You were out getting some fresh air, Cancer, when a team of vicious pranksters seeking TikTok fame dumped a pot of crazy glue on your head. Out of your mind and violently sticky, you crashed into a local laundromat, promptly slipping on the sudsy floor and tumbling onto a pile of clean white sheets. As you got back up, you caught your reflection in a well-polished dryer and finally realized your good fortune: you had found the perfect Floating Sentient Pile of Clean White Sheets costume.
This month, Cancer, look for unexpected gifts.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your expressiveness is one of your most beloved aspects, Leo, but this month you may want to work on another: your guile. You are a natural at getting what you want, and while there is a certain prideful glory in taking down your quarry in the sun where all can see, you might find even more success if you take advantage of the shadows — not to mention that you’ll get away from that UV wrinkle-machine, my word.
Yes, you look fabulous in your cat pajamas, but who are you dressing up for? This month, Leo, make it about yourself.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You’ve been reflecting on yourself a lot, Virgo, trying to piece together what it means to be you. You occasionally feel ill at ease in your own skin, like a haphazard collection of parts that don’t exactly fit. Sometimes it’s like someone else’s brain is ticking away in your head, so even your thoughts don’t seem like your own.
Don’t let this get you down, though.When lightning doesn’t strike, we have to make our own inspiration — and maybe that will be enough for you to feel like yourself again.
This month, Virgo, your lucky number is 1.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Keeping things in balance is the name of your game, Libra. But what happens when something (or someone) disrupts your precious balance and leaves you feeling scooped out, like your mind’s been scraped into a bowl? It’s scary, but the blackness of the void can be broken by nothing more than a flickering candle: how will it feel when there’s space in your skull to learn and love anew?