By Medium Rare
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
This month, Pisces, you are the golden child. You will swim through the stream of life like a Midas trout, devouring all the little fish that you require, while your scales become ever healthier and more resplendent.
Yet watch out! Gold is a heavy metal — and, while your precious new coat is lovely, it may be hard to swim in. Then again, if you can’t take the weight, don’t worry too much. Just take it off and dance in your birthday suit: it still looks great on you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This month, Aries, you would be wise to get in touch with your intuition. Has it been warning you that stepping out into traffic could result in grievous bodily harm? Has it been giving you a nagging feeling that maybe cigarettes aren’t as healthy a snack as Johnny Llama might want you to believe? Have you been wondering if you’ve been giving your undercarriage the love and care it deserves?
This month try to block out the buzz and hear the stuff that really matters.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your decision to run with the wolves, Taurus, didn’t seem so wise once you actually got to the woods. While they were willing to let you into the pack, the wolves were really quite incredible runners and within ten minutes or so you were winded. “Taking a breather” didn’t seem to be part of their lived experience and adjusting to their rhythms was hard.
However, in the end, you rose to the occasion and eventually learned the joy of putting amazing distances between you and your messes. This month, Taurus, keep moving your legs.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This month, Gemini, you will experience life like you were an aluminum tank of compressed air that’s been dropped into the sea. When completely full of air you’ll be heavy and start to sink, while the more you release, the more you’ll begin to float. Now to sink all the way down would be calamitous – do you know how deep the sea is? Yet what value is there in an empty oxygen tank?
This month it’s best to walk the middle way, Gemini, and carry only what you need.
The plovers will only climb aboard your bicuspids when they know you’re calm and won’t mangle them with chatter.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your world, Cancer, is held up with a tight lattice of ivory pillars that are pretty to look at but that lock you in as much as they keep the leopards out. Opening up a bit is a good start, but there’s more to connecting than sharing yourself.
Do you know about the birds that sit in the crocodile’s mouth and clean its teeth? This kind of strange arrangement could await you, Cancer, yet the plovers will only climb aboard your bicuspids when they know you’re calm and won’t mangle them with chatter.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Life was not meant to be this hard, dear Leo, but please know there are better days ahead. For instance, the helium-carried airships of the future might one day be a sophisticated and conscientious way to fly, even if they are a bit slow. Imagine floating through the sky on invisible wings, gazing at the world below and feeling for a shimmering moment like your place in this glorious world is here amongst the clouds.
The rains will come, Leo, but one day the trees will turn green again and you will be among them.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your love for manatees, gentle sea cows though they are, has started to border on creepy, Virgo. Your home is full of manatee trinkets and baubles, your walls papered with posters and photographs depicting their odd and whiskered faces. Yes, your regular contributions to manatee-based charities come from a noble place, but it’s high time you asked yourself: why? What happens when the manatee figurines that you’ve filled your life with come to life and their flippers transform into razor-sharp claws?
This month, Virgo, seek to better understand the objects of your affection.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You cannot live as a statue, Libra, no matter how hard you try. Though you remain imposing and motionless as you loom over the town square, sooner or later a crowd will form and dare each other to approach you. You are human beneath your stony exterior — and, while you revel in your ability to survive despite the cold, you ask yourself if this is really how you want to feel. Will it only be when a brave soul finally works up the courage to get close that you will spring to life?
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
In your younger years, Scorpio, you spent many hours pondering the nature of tumbleweeds. You’d see them in old western movies — or at least in their parodies — but you’d seldom, if ever, come across them in real life. Eventually you began to wonder: are they even real? If not, who dreamed these things up? If they are real, where would one go to find them?
Now that you’re grown, you don’t think much about tumbleweeds anymore, but maybe you should. Daydreaming is your right, Scorpio.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
It’s never easy dealing with an unexpected predicament, but you have a knack for handling the stickiest situations, Sagittarius. This month you will be faced with the need to stay clean and dry, and as long as you manage that you should be okay.
But be careful: if you come across an old man watering his hydrangeas, know that you’re really in trouble. Because, in case you forgot, this is March. Anyone with hydrangeas at this point of the winter must really be deranged. Be prepared to run, dear archer.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
The lights flicker in your room, dear Capricorn, illustrating the thin line between joy and sorrow, plenty and starvation, love and loneliness, life and death. You always were sensitive and, though you’re skilled at choosing the right mask for the moment, you sometimes falter — and someone sees through to how you really feel. Secretly you love these moments best of all, and dreams of throwing your entire costume box into your neighbour’s bonfire fill you with a longing so sweet it hurts your teeth.
This month, Capricorn, reward yourself: show us how you really feel.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your back is strong, Aquarius, but sometimes it gets tired from carrying your burdens. Wouldn’t it be nice to have some sort of butler to attend to your every need? You could hire whomever had a name which you’d enjoy calling out when your tea goes a little cold. “Jeffrey!” “Marcus!” “Matilda!” “Persephone!”
The list of potential names goes on and on, but I advise you to consider who you take on very carefully. Regardless of the butler you hire, always remember that there’s more to life than ordering others around. Your lucky number is 4.