By Medium Rare
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Each day this month you will rouse from slumber, Aquarius, slip into the dungarees you slung over a chair the night before to warm by the furnace vent, and trudge the chilly road that takes you to your job at the Factory. It’s true you’ve become quite adept at your function, yet deep down you’ve started to wonder: does the Factory really only make two-seater toilets? Or have you also been busy crafting the bars of your own prison?
This month, Aquarius, spend more time with the people you care about.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Do you remember how it used to be, Pisces, when life was simple? You would pop in and out of your castle and go dancing in the long grass. You never got hungry: tasty food flakes would literally fall from the sky. But things changed when you noticed a bigger world through the invisible barrier around the castle grounds. Earnestly you tried to join this world, but you merely bumped your nose against the wall and soon enough you gave up.
No more! Remember, Pisces, what you’ve been forgetting: tap on the glass.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A little while ago, Aries, you ate an ill-advised cookie, then took an all expenses-paid-trip through a hole in the earth. You fell for a long time and, as you were unconscious for much of this fall, you have no idea how far you might have travelled. When at last you came to, you were on the London Underground, riding the slow train to Brixton while being proselytized by an American about the seven wonders of Canada… wait, what?
This month, Aries, get someone to analyse your dreams.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This month, Taurus, beware of all symbols and terms which relate to bulls. Do not grab anything by the horns. Do not aim your darts at the centre of the dartboard. Do not hope for things to go well in the stock market. Do not take a job driving large construction vehicles with caterpillar treads.
Instead, spend your time scouring Wikipedia for places on earth that have no symbolic meaning for you at all — perhaps the Richat Structure in west-central Mauritania is a good place to start. Your lucky number is 8008.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This month, Gemini, you will be well-served by remembering the fable of the sociopathic snake. As I’m sure you’ll recall, the story begins with a wicked serpent slithering through the forest, deceiving and manipulating everyone in its path. Yet as winter approached and temperatures dropped, the snake grew weak. With no friends to keep it warm, the cold-blooded reptile froze to death, alone and unloved.
Don’t be like the snake, Gemini, and know that this month genuine kindness will pay real dividends.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This month, Cancer, seek out opportunities for ambitious self-expression. Yes, I know the walls of your bedroom have been looking particularly white. But would splattering them in “egg,” “ivory” or “cream” really do all that much for your soul?
While we’re on the subject, perhaps this is the month you break out of your shell and cut it up on the dancefloor. Someone has been eying your booty and wondering what you can do with it. It’s high time you softened your crab claws and held them closer, tiny Cancer.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your lion’s den has been feeling a little ramshackle of late, hasn’t it, Leo? (If that doesn’t apply to you literally, remember that us psychics often deal in metaphor.) Bringing in professionals to do a job might be preferable, but sometimes we’re forced to take care of business ourselves. If that’s the case, get out your hammer, your nails, and your spackle set: it’s time to fix your foundation.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You always have been somewhat of a machinist, haven’t you Virgo? Assuming you finally complete your creation, there’s an excellent chance that this month you will be visited by a great inventor, whose name may or may not be Mr. Screwdriver, who will say unto thee, “My word! Just look at the great thing you’ve made. Never in all my years would I have thought such a thing would be possible!”
Get ready to make Mr. Screwdriver’s day, Virgo.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
This month, Libra, look for opportunities to take a trip north. If you do, February’s unique alignment of stars suggests there’s an excellent chance you will discover a new species of arctic chinchilla. This astonishing discovery will cause the scientific community to be so pleased with you that they will insist upon a feast, where they will honour you with plates of artisanal pasta — more than you could possibly eat.
Unfortunately, in all the furor, you will forget about the chinchilla, who will return sadly to the tundra, never to be seen again. Your lucky number is 1.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
This month, Scorpio, is all about confidence. You’ve been telling your friends for ages about your love of archaeology and have been borrowing from the rare books library in order to study the location of ancient artifacts. You can recite wards and spells in fifteen distinct languages — eight of them extinct — and your ability to handle small arms rivals that of Lara Croft.
There’s no need to fuss anymore: the time has come for you to make your move. Stop worrying about the ghosts and head into the Jade King’s tomb. The Golden Scepter awaits.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You have taken great care of late to protect your health, Sagittarius, and this month you will finally start seeing the fruits of those labours. However, with a great journey on the horizon, you will do well to remember the benefits of a diet rich in citrus. Don’t worry if your friends begin to chide you for stinking of limes. You will have all your teeth and far healthier skin than they will, once the advanced effects of scurvy start to affect them.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Another month, another chance for self-improvement, Capricorn. You’ve been butting heads against the system and you hate what it does for your complexion. You daydream about how happy you would be if the bankers and landlords and cell service providers would leave you alone for just one day… and sometimes, to your great shame, you fantasize about what it would be like to be one of them.
A great opportunity to choose is on the horizon, Capricorn: will you do what’s right or what’s easy?