By Medium Rare

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If my calculations are correct, Aries, this month you will find a wool sweater hanging from a tree that will be two sizes too big. You will pull it down triumphantly and then be faced with a choice: find a naked person and clothe them, or put on lean muscle to fill it out yourself. Whatever you decide, make sure you get enough protein this month.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

I know, Taurus, that sometimes it feels like the frog-throated farmer is asking you to be something you simply are not. Bullies come in all shapes, but remember there’s really only one way to defeat them. This month grab the bull by the horns and bellow like a longhorn: I WILL NOT BE COWED. MINE IS THE VOICE OF THE UNIVERSE. YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini, Gemini, the apple of my eye! This month you will continue your quest into the heart of the great star at the centre of everything. “How does this astrologer know this?” you ask. I know for in a past life I was the great Zamubi, the seer of all existence! If you make time for a herbal bath, eat organic, and keep the profanity to a minimum, you just might complete your transcendence into cosmic bliss. (Safety warning: never attempt transcendence without a trusted transcendence buddy).

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

This month, Cancer, is all about self-expression. For starters, buy yourself a kiddie pool at the local big box store and fill it with various colours of paint. Then, put on your snorkel and dive in, emerging as a multicoloured blob that drips rainbows all over your living room floor. Next, throw your paint-covered self on a canvas (or, if money is a factor, a large white tablecloth) and roll around. Voila! When at last the people you live with get home, you’ll have a fun time self-expressing exactly why you trashed the place.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You wake up, Leo, to discover that you’ve sprouted not one but two additional heads. You’re pretty certain that you are the original head — but then again so are the other heads, and you can’t all be right. A lively but respectful discussion on the subject is interrupted by the shared realization that your body is hungry. You eat a mutually agreed upon breakfast of oats, then go to brush your teeth… oh no. Whose toothbrush is this?

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Your visit to a foreign land, Virgo, is going to have its ups and downs. You will start the trip with a completely consensual swim alongside your favorite animal — a wild manatee — and follow that up with a picnic. But from there things will take an unfortunate turn, as your inability to speak the local dialect will prove to be your undoing: due to a clerical mix-up, you will spend the next five years cleaning up a stretch of highway on behalf of a local celebrity. Your lucky number is 4.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Queen! King! Rook! Knight! Your love of board games has served you well, Libra, and this month you will receive a bejeweled chess set from a secret admirer. While priceless, the burden of such a fabulous gift and your inability to play it like a grandmaster will torment you, ultimately leading you to sell it for a pittance at your local pawn shop.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

It must be hard for you, Scorpio, to be such a captivating creature. Everywhere you go people are staring. It definitely has everything to do with your winning personality, your sense of style and your prodigious musical ability, and definitely has nothing at all to do with you literally being a human-sized arachnid with giant claws and a venomous barb sticking out of your rear end. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You made it through another month, Sagittarius, and are looking ahead to what comes next. Good news! It turns out you’re a genius and very good looking. Not only that, but you’re about to become rich beyond your wildest dreams. Also love! This month you will find love! Wow! What else… puppies! Or kitties! Or adorable birds! Whatever you like, it’s coming to you. This month you’re going to set a new record for being a genius and also for being good looking and also for having good things happen to you. I sure wish I were a Sagittarius…

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You have always wanted to barrel your way over Niagara Falls, haven’t you, Capricorn? Packing yourself into a wooden container and letting the crashing waters choose your fate has always felt enticing, but allow me to give you an important piece of advice: never do it. Never. Not even once. Your lucky number this month is zero, which is also the number of times you should listen to your dumb brain and do this stupid thing.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You woke up one morning and things were different: you had become a cloud. While initially horrified (“how am I supposed to file my taxes now?”), you were carried up higher and higher — and when you found yourself floating along the jet stream, you stopped worrying about a thing. As time went on, you saw the entire world, flowing through the sky with the other clouds, appreciating the silence (as most of them didn’t have much to say). Suddenly you found yourself falling… it might be scary, Aquarius, but this month enjoy the rain.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

This month, Pisces, you will make a request of a stranger. The stranger will balk: “What, you think I work for free?” Checking your pockets and finding only kernels of corn, you will offer these as payment, and the stranger will reluctantly accept. The stranger will then dive into a deep pool of stagnant, stinking water, popping up a few minutes later with a flower or a bird or something like that. The stranger will throw this thing at you — and, while you won’t know exactly why, you’ll reflect on the experience later and think it was somehow all very cathartic.

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