By Medium Rare

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) 

We’re not sure we’re the ones to tell you this, Pisces, but you need to know: your true father is Poseidon, god of the sea! It explains so much: your unreasonable love of Greek food, your mastery of the fork, your insistence on waterbeds despite the protests of your significant others. We appreciate that this news may shock you, so this month take care of yourself and keep the ouzo consumption to a minimum.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

As sheep go, Aries, you’re pretty independent. You once happily dove into a frozen lake and swam beneath the ice, delighting in the cold and lazily using your horns (ram horns not truck horns, to be clear) to vanquish whatever lake monsters dared to harass you. Even when Kuriakose, the dreaded Ice Octopus and notorious slumlord, raised up his tentacles against you, you didn’t falter: you bumped him hard and watched him slither away. This month, keep up the fight for justice.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

For a bull you have quite the knack for creating beautiful moo-sic. Yet in this life, Taurus, you won’t always have access to your preferred instrument — which means that sometimes you’ll be left to simply low out your melodies in fields that smell of melting manure. While your hooves may have smashed a Stradivarius or two, you have always persevered — and this month you will again.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

We get it, Gemini: life is full of impossible choices. So wouldn’t it be great if you really were two people? One of you could have the chicken, while the other could have the fish. One of you could have the salad, while the other could have the fries. One of you could have Pepsi, while the other could have one of the other fine beverages from the PepsiCo family of products.

have the fries. One of you could have Pepsi, while the other could have one of the other fine beverages from the PepsiCo family of products.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

This month, Cancer, is all about self-discovery. In an effort to get to know yourself better, you’ve chosen to use the process of elimination to narrow down the options. For starters, seeing as your skin looks and tastes very little like bread you’re almost certain you’re not a sandwich… although, on the other hand, you do often contain all sorts of fixings, including (depending on what you had for lunch) lettuce, mayonnaise, cheese, tomatoes, pickles, meat… Is it possible you’re some kind of burrito?

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You are a wonderful leader for your pride, Leo, but if you stop sweating the small stuff you won’t need to keep dry cleaning your birthday suit. They’re not your monkeys and this is not your circus, so maybe it’s okay for you to lay back in the sun from time to time and let out one of those big, lazy lion yawns that are best narrated by Sir David Attenborough.

have the fries. One of you could have Pepsi, while the other could have one of the other fine beverages from the PepsiCo family of products.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

As a lifelong Virgo you’ve learned some stuff but there is still a lot that confuses you. For example, why has humanity never bothered to domesticate the kind and peaceful manatee? They’re so gentle it would take no time at all, they’d be fun to swim with, and they’d be useful for marine lawncare. This month have a word with whatever idiot thought imprisoning a killer whale  was a better idea than befriending a sea cow. I mean really.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Maintaining balance is hard for everyone, but this past month it posed a special challenge for you, didn’t it, Libra? While spontaneously collapse due to the sudden loss of consciousness is a scourge which menaces us all, the key for you may lie in improving your diet. Did you know that healthy eating is that specific kind of eating which maintains or improves your overall health? If you’d like to stay on your feet more this month, make sure to start each day with a balanced breakfast.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

One day, in the not so distant future, you will be scuttling your way across a barren desert when you will come upon a pair of stubby stone legs sticking out of the sand, the lonely ruins of a once colossal monument. Beneath the legs will be a pedestal, on which will be chiseled the following inscription: “My name is Capitalism, King of Kings! Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!” You will then return to your city, which is now a paradise, to tell the people what you’ve seen. This month, Scorpio, look for opportunities to be the bearer of good news.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

As a centaur, a being with only half the normal amount of humanity, it makes perfect sense that you would feel good about offering up backhanded pieces of pseudo-wisdom as guidance. Would it not be a better use of your time, Sagittarius, to try to produce something real? Isn’t your whole persona, predicated as it is on ironic detachment, getting a little old? Or maybe that’s just me. Alright Sagittarius, this  month your lucky number is, I don’t know, 6.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’re sick of eating grass in the same horrible grass patch as all those other hideous goats, aren’t you, Capricorn? You have big ambitions, don’t you? Yes you do, you dream of owning your very own farm, yes, wouldn’t that be something? Aha, yes, a farm where you can put all those lesser goats to work tilling the fields on which will grow all your favourites: the most delectable varietals of corn, barley, oats and soybeans! Only these are fitting for a goat of your caliber, isn’t that right, Capricorn? Well… no. This month get off your high horse, Capricorn – a horse is no place for a goat.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Illustrations: Crystal Yung

Yours is a heart that brims with joy, Aquarius, so while someone else might be a bit bummed to hear that they are overqualified for their dream job at the Happiness Factory, you won’t let it get to you. No, when that happens you will swallow that yucky feeling that is the opposite of happy and push it down to the not good place you prefer not to think about. Then you will put on your happy face, drink a delicious raspberry lemonade, and add that mean hiring manager’s name to your list of jerks who will one day get what’s coming to them.

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