By Medium Rare

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Politics aside, I think we can all agree that cold weather is a lot like capitalism, right Capricorn? It comes from above, it doesn’t care about the people, and collective action is the only way to stop it. That said, unlike stopping capitalism, stopping winter altogether would be a bad thing. Maybe put down the aerosol and just put on a scarf if the cold is getting to you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Ice doesn’t pour so well, does it, Aquarius? You really thought the summer would last forever. You didn’t see the winter coming at all — but now it’s here, and there’s not a thing you can do about it. It’s not easy, but find a cutie to smooch and melt your icy bucket.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Getting up in the morning is the leading cause of death and boredom, Pisces — which is exactly why you’ve rigged your bed with a series of contraptions that will let you stay cozy forever. A specially honed catapult launches food straight from your kitchen into your bedroom area, while a syphon built into the mattress swallows any waste. You’ve even rigged your pillow with a special set of electric rolling pins to stimulate muscle growth so your smile will stay tight and vascular, just the way you like it. With the tryouts for the big Grinning Tournament just around the corner, you’ll be happy you did.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

“You’re a beautiful, sweet smelling flower and you deserve all the good things in life.” The advertisement made a compelling case, and while you had never identified as a flower, the prospect of nice things coming your way was too enticing to ignore. You promptly laid down your values, forgot about your dreams, and dedicated yourself to climbing the corporate ladder. But remember, Aries: it’s never too late to hurl yourself off the ladder — and maybe smash it to splinters while you’re at it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You washed your hooves in a basin of hot water, and the special variety of dirt that came off was a reminder of all the places you went in the past month. As it swirled down the drain, you gazed fondly at the reddish mud from Ms. Marble’s snow farm, then the greyish mud from behind the grass bakery. There were even some black cow fibres in there from when you rolled in the hay with your paramour. If at any point this month you have trouble falling asleep, start counting the cows who care about you, Taurus. Repeat as necessary.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Illustration: Crystal Yung

You’ve always known there were two sides to you, but you never thought that maybe they would fall in love. Well, fall in love they did, Gemini, and now you’re going through something pretty special: the merging of your primal essence! Hooray, you’ve started to transcend. Don’t forget to send us a postcard when you’re a literal constellation.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You were hungry for flesh, Cancer, so you headed out of your small hole and emerged onto the cold, cold sand. The wind howled across the desolate landscape, and, as vicious scavenger birds divebombed from on high, you knew you had taken your life in your own hands. But you have always been one of the lucky ones: this month you will survive to find a mate or dinner – but not both.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

When you called the zebra up out of the blue, having never met face to face, you mentioned right off the bat that you were a lion and that ungulates of between 190-550 kg were exactly your type. This month, Leo, try to come up with a better pickup line.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

It’s just another month for you. You wake up hating the powers that be and go to sleep feeling the same way, but in between there are lots of happy moments where you get to take public transit or pay your cellphone bill. Best of all the weather is terrible, which gives you something to read about. This month, Virgo, think about taking a big risk.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

This is the month you finally release your first piece of software: LibraOffice. It does everything a word processor should — but with some special features only for Libras. For instance, since Libras have a hard time committing to things, in LibraOffice you can’t delete anything. The only way forward is forward, Libra. Don’t forget that.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Scorpions are bugs with poison butts. If they can find love, Scorpio, so can you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You put on your red nose and your white makeup. It’s showtime: you, Fobitty the Clown, emerge onto the stage. You launch full tilt into your act, but though you are trying with all your clowny might, it elicits no response at all from anyone. From the back of the room your clown master stares at you with dead eyes, wholly unamused. Suddenly a hole appears in the ground beneath you and you fall, your hands pawing at oblivion… snap. This month, Sagittarius, wake up.

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