By Medium Rare
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Hark! You pass your days in a strange time, a time when the moon is still in the sky and water splish-splashes across the land. Compared to the infinite void to come, this era is unique and very special. You have so much at your fingertips, so seize the day and put on a trippy video game soundtrack — at the very least it will drown out the Michael Bublé winter music playing in the grocery store.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You come out of your delirium trundling through the snowy forest, your clothes tattered and missing a boot. Your breath billows forth like a smokestack but you don’t feel the cold. You are resolute: your children and/or parent and/or wifi password are/is locked in the spooky castle up on the ridge, and this is the month you finally get them/he/she/it back.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ve been lying to yourself for too long: you need to pee, and that awful sensation isn’t going anywhere until you get out of bed and deal with it. You can pretend it’s not that serious, that maybe, just maybe, you can fall back asleep if you just relax, but you know in your heart that’s impossible. You’re going to have to get up, Water-Bearer. This is the winter you finally pee.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
This is the month you begin the transformation into your final form: that of the ichthyocentaur! You have the upper body of a human, the legs of a horse, and the tail of a fish — and you’re out for revenge. No longer will you tolerate the ridicule of an unjust society that doesn’t understand you. This is the month where you fight back against your oppressors, starting with your landlord. Also please let us know what ichthyocentaurs like to eat before inviting us to your next potluck.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You and you alone know the truth, isn’t that right, Aries? You might be a sheep, but at least you’re not one of the sheeple. You took the red pill AND the blue pill (and the one pill and the two pill) so now you can see the world for what it really is: spoons, spoons, spoons all the way down. You always suspected there was something special about you, and you were right: you’re a wizard, Aries.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You were sitting on the grass under your favorite cork tree when you received the notice: “eviction for demolition.” Turned out a developer wanted to convert your beloved tree into Cork Gardens, a proposed mixed-use 29-story luxury condominium with some of the best views in the pasture and “affordable” units selling for a mere 700k. You and the other bulls called BS, then you organized, then you ran your foe out of town. This month don’t let anyone push you around.
100% science-backed advice that is guaranteed to help you survive the winter
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Just because you’re a set of twins doesn’t mean you should drink for two. For that matter, consider not drinking for one. Nothing says ‘committed to fighting the power’ like not dropping your hard earned scrilla on an addictive substance that only makes you less able to resist. Find another excuse to be naughty this snowflake season.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
“Community” was a TV show that, while sometimes problematic, had a lot of really good episodes. It had a nice moral about togetherness and sticking up for the people you care about. There was also something profound, even existential, about trying to make the most of the life you have and not privileging the life that others sell to you. Oh right, horoscopes… Okay Cancer, your lucky number this month is 8.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You don’t care much for the cold and you miss the savannah. You’re sick of the interminable paperwork, what they call “freezing rain,” and the complete lack of zebra meat. You long for the summer days when you could run naked through the streets with your pride on display, ready for anything. Oh, for it to be another season than the one it is, but alas! Better get yourself a space heater or a cuddle buddy. The winter is happening.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You are a diligent worker bee and you look good doing it, but perhaps this is the month you shed your jumpsuit and slip into something a little more comfortable. Have you considered draping yourself in velvet?
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Things you’ll need this month: a pen, something to write on, a facemask, a toy gun with the orange nib pulled off, the address of a bank, a sack with a dollar sign on it, a fixed gear bicycle, a place to lay low, canned food, bottled water, smokes, more smokes, better friends who won’t rat you out, gentler arresting officers, your phone call, bail money, a good lawyer.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’re sick of people saying you’re a predatory arachnid with poison in your butt. I mean, yes, you should maybe stop butt-stabbing frogs who were just trying to carry you across the river… But then again, maybe that behavior is just in your nature. Actually forget what I said: this month don’t sweat the small stuff. There are lots of frogs. You’re good.