By Medium Rare

Did you know each sign of the Zodiac is associated with a part of the body? No? Well, neither did I — not before I started throwing these horoscopes together, anyways.

ARIES (head, March 21 – April 19)

Aries, did you know each sign of the Zodiac is associated with a part of the body? No? Well, neither did I — not before I started throwing these horoscopes together, anyways. (And no, Aries, raindrops are not falling on your head. It’s just that your roof is leaking again.)

TAURUS (neck & shoulders, April 20 – May 20)

For years you’ve been complimented on your neck and shoulders. Turns out this was correct: your neck and shoulders are indeed the best in the world. But is that really enough for you anymore? It’s true you are mighty and can carry the heaviest of yokes, but don’t you think it’s time you found your own field to plow? Your herd of prospective lovers will not lose interest.

GEMINI (throat & lungs, May 21 – June 20)

Like every well-made weather balloon or zeppelin, you’re deeply precious about your great throat. And rightly so: how else would breath be able to so quickly and smoothly move into your oxygen reservoirs? The challenge for you this month will be knowing what to say and when, while struggling to operate within a hopelessly complex human social system that demands reactions in real time. Also: wiping.

CANCER (chest, June 21 – July 22)

Whether you know it or not you use your chest every day, and Cancer you have a highly effective one. This is where your heart, lungs, trachea and thoracic diaphragm get their groove on, rocking out in the dark like ’90s goths at a rave. It’s the party of a lifetime… literally. Maybe eat some kale.

LEO (heart, July 23 – Aug. 22)

Are you a true lion-beast? If so, you will need to master your heart — which is such a good heart, yes it is, yes it is! Keep your heart open, wide open, like a well-fanged beast-mouth that’s about to devour some fair-trade spaghetti doused in sustainability sauce. Yes, Leo, it’s finally time for you to love again, but be careful about strange cat-monarchs from Oklahoma: a long distance relationship is more than you’re ready for right now.

VIRGO (digestive system, Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You view your midsection as a residential model for the 21st century and as such have named it, somewhat uncreatively, Organ Town. Organ Town takes a communal approach to high density residential developments and has a great public transit system, consisting of a series of veins and a digestive tract that collectively is known as the Organ Trail. Never shutting down for more than a day or two, it starts in the mouth and goes all the way across town to what the locals refer to darkly as the “end of the line.” Lubricate civic progress by drinking an extra glass of water this month, Virgo — then pour one out for our doomed LRT, too.

LIBRA (kidneys, Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

No more fooling around – this is it! This is the month you finally learn what kidneys are good for! Okay, okay, just give me a second to do some research… Alright, so it turns out your kidneys are actually a kind of bean! When cooked, kidneys are 67% water, 23% carbohydrates, and 9% protein, with a negligible amount of fat… wow! What a good star sign you have, one which is concerned so deeply with such a healthy legume! Raise a glass of bean juice this month to celebrate your good work.

SCORPIO (hips & genitals, Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Saucy Scorpio rules the hips and the genitals. Ooh la la! The fact that you have a venomous stinger mounted menacingly on your butt makes for a rather puritanical warning, but don’t stress it too much, you emotional dynamo. It’s up to you to decide how to use your butt spear, and whether you use it viciously to attack Spiderman or as a tool to heroically get Kittenman out of a tree, know that the rest of us are supporting you… from a distance.

SAGITTARIUS (legs, Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Astrology is a load of hooey, but if it weren’t, then surely Sagittarius would be the best star sign. But wait: do I really think astrology is a load of hooey? Or am I just saying this to connect with truth-obsessed Sag? Flattery could also be a calculated move to endear myself to my Sagittarius readers – do I really prefer Sagittarius to the other signs? What is true? What can you trust? Whatever is going on, here’s some advice for Sagittarius: take your marvelous legs for a walk and try to chill. Jeez…

CAPRICORN(bones & joints, Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Capricorn, the sea-goat… what even is that? Anyway, those amongst you who’ve had Caribbean curry can confirm that goats have great bones and joints, so maybe that’s why Capricorn is all about them, too. This month your lucky number is, I don’t know, let’s say… eight.

AQUARIUS(shins, calves and ankles, Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You have excellent shins, calves and ankles. Maybe that’s why for you it’s always the age of Aquarius, and that age keeps getting bigger. Life is only experienced in the present and there’s no way of knowing how many days might be ahead, so be grateful for the time you have. The only sensible way forward is for you to spread joy by showing off your excellent shins, calves and ankles. Also: wiping.

PISCES (hands and feet, Feb. 19 – March 20)

What kind of horrible moral did the Little Mermaid impart? It’s the story of a lovely and personable fishwoman named Ariel who wants a boyfriend and a green card so badly that she literally gives away her voice and magically/surgically alters her body. What?! That is a bad lesson to teach anyone. Pisces, if you agree, please use your fish hands and fish feet to write endless letters to Disney demanding an apology and money for therapy. (Editor’s Note: Also, you know, down with Disney’s media monopoly and all corporations! Look, this is The Leveller, did you really expect a completely slogan-free set of horoscopes? Thank you, goodnight.)

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