by Lauren Scott

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) 

Ah, the ever-romantic and emotional Pisces. What did you get up to this Valentine’s Day? Just crying? There’s no shame in that. It’s kind of a shitty capitalist holiday anyways.

ARIES (March 21-April 19) 

You love to put yourself first, Aries. But if you, like many in Ottawa, live in a rapidly gentrifying neighbourhood, acknowledge the people that occupied your space before you did. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but they were there first.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) 

Use some of that strong-willed Taurus determination and stand up for Wet’suwet’en land rights against the Coastal GasLink pipeline. 

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) 

Hey sign twin, I think we should work together to get another fellow Gemini on the same page. Federal Environment Minister Jonathan Wilkinson has been decidedly absent when it comes to pipeline protests. Where is he? I don’t know, but let’s call his office and demand action. 

CANCER (June 21-July 22) 

Happy is the Cancer that stays away from seafood restaurants. 


LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) 

You may be a lion, Leo, but roaring into the void online won’t get you anywhere. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) 

You may have seen folks on your social media posting memes about Mercury retrograde, which happens between Feb. 17 and March 10. Your sign, Virgo, is ruled by Mercury, but remind yourself that retrograde is an ILLUSION; the planet only appears to be moving backwards. Don’t go making astrological excuses for shitty behaviour. 

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) 

The Canadian Anti-Hate Network says that there has been a rise in anti-Indigenous racism since the Wet’suwet’en protests and solidarity demonstrations began. Libra allies, go out and address the hate. Support your friends who may be on the receiving end of this injustice and try to tip the scales. 

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve heard about the growing number of coronavirus cases globally. Maybe you do live under a rock (not unheard of for arachnids, Scorpio), but the World Health Organization still suggests that you wash your hands frequently and stay one metre away from anyone who is coughing or sneezing. Why, that’s the perfect social excuse for any surly Scorps! Who said international public health emergencies are all bad?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sorry general Sagitarian population, this message is for one sorry Saggi in particular. Dear Ontario Education Minister Stephen Lecce: They say your sign is flighty and non-committal, but come on man! Get it together!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)  

I’ve heard you’re a sign that likes to get things done, Cap. Can you help me finish off this month’s horoscopes? Thanks buddy! I owe you one. 

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) 

I don’t know about you, Aquarius, but it’s only March and I’m already exhausted with the 2020 presidential election south of the border. How about a nap that lasts all the way until November?  (Can you imagine waking up to an America no longer in the grip of a quasi-fascist but a quasi-socialist instead?) 

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