SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Edibles are legal now, haven’t you heard? Maybe I’m paranoid but are you hearing that tapping noise coming from the closet? I’m scared, Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It’s getting cold out there, Saggi. But no matter how cold it gets, remember that chilly ain’t never been cool. Make an effort to bring warmth into your life, whether that means warm socks, calling a loved one or taking the tunnels when it’s -30 C out.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorns are said to be the sign of money. So … I know this is a BIG ask … and you don’t really know me … but, could you maybe help me out with my student loan debt? I promise I’ll pay you back if this freelance horoscope gig ever pans out.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
As I’m writing this on a rainy afternoon, I noticed water trickling from my window into the box where I keep my records. Now they’re soggy. Look, I’m not blaming you, Aquarius, but you are a water sign … and that is a little suspicious, don’t you think?
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Take some time for yourself. I don’t mean buying into purely capitalist understandings of #selfcare and the products that go along with that. What makes you feel happy and healthy, Pices?
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
I may not be able to predict your future, but I do know that all of your plants will die if you don’t water them soon. How do I know? Well, Aries, my windowsill is basically a succulent cemetery – and yours will be too if you don’t do something quick.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
I know you’re stubborn, Taurus. It’s in your nature, I hear. But sometimes you have to make space for others. Like right now. You’re just standing there and blocking the University Centre stairs. MOVE!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Gemini, I need backup! Another fellow-Gemini needs to be held responsible for his actions. Will you help me storm the U.S. border and cheer on the impeachment?
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Election blues got you feeling crabby? Me too – but at least you have claws. Use them, Cancer.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
Hey Leo, I think it’s time for you to try something new. Maybe a new look? I’m not saying you look bad (that would be mean … and also completely subjective). All I’m saying is that the year-round cut-off jeans are a questionable sartorial choice that I can’t get behind. You live in Ottawa, Leo. You should know better.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Happy belated Halloween, Virgo! Did you dress up for the occasion? I was the ghost of Maxime Bernier’s political career… the children were terrified.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Striving for balance, are we? If today’s political climate tells you anything, pragmatism may get you into the House of Commons with a minority mandate, but you can’t balance environmental justice and buying a pipeline. Stop bullshitting yourself and decide which side you’re on!