LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) 

Every year Mother Nature gifts you with a dazzling display of leaves in the fall for your birthday. You might be a little tired of getting the same thing all the time, so for this year she’s throwing a little bit of a surprise heatwave in there thanks to climate change. Happy birthday Libra! 

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) 

Did you hear about that kid who went blind from eating only Pringles, white bread, and french fries for years, Scorpio? You should consider a bit of a change in your diet. Might be time to add a dip to the menu.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) 

I rode the new LRT back and forth for the whole day yesterday. The existential comings and goings of people travelling here and there had me constantly wondering where everyone was going in such a hurry. Then I thought of you Sagittarius. Your lackluster, sluggish, and carefree approach to life helped me calm down. That being said, you should probably pick up the pace a bit this year.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)  

What’s going on with all the ripped jeans Capricorn? Did someone sit on you a bit too abruptly? What are you trying to say to the world? I saw you at the store picking up a pair of jeans that for some reason had holes in places where they would never naturally occur. You are better than this.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) 

Aquarius, I was visited by someone who claimed to be from the future! They told me that you have to wear a yellow top on the next full moon and run away from the first person who compliments you. 

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) 

I was contemplating your future with the forests of Argentina when it struck me that you might prefer not knowing. The last time we talked, you didn’t think much about all the time I spend reading the stars and planets and I think the word “hooey” was used a few times. While that hurt my feelings, Pisces, I still feel compelled to at least warn you to not wear footwear with laces for a while. 

ARIES (March 21-April 19) 

It’s never a good sign when you find yourself reading the horoscopes to help make important life decisions. I know you’re in a pickle, Aries, so I’m going to keep this advice straightforward: The best advice comes from people who know you and care about you. I am not one of those people.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) 

You’re fine. No really, you’re doing fine. Ok, truthfully I just can’t be bothered. There was no coffee at the Horoscope Offices this morning, then they made me attend a meeting about the importance of regular tea leaf readings – which I don’t do because it’s nonsense – AND THEN an intern who I sent out to get me a coffee came back with tea. 

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) 

I know times are tough. Climate Change is real, Trump is still running the US, and Netflix is losing The Office. I was about to sacrifice this goat for you, Gemini, but then the sun came out, a warm breeze brushed across my face and a little bird chirped a happy tune. I think you’ll be OK, but it may take a bit of personal sacrifice to get there.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) 

Haikuroscope for you Cancer:

Change is in the air
Someone near has passed gas
That’s in the air too

 

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) 

Summer is over, students are back to school and racoons have started settling into LRT station ceilings, getting ready for winter. Around this time of year, I begin to accept that everything around me is slowly dying and that the torment of cold, ice, and snow is just over the horizon. You would think we’d all be used to this by now, given that it happens every year.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) 

Someone asked me who they should vote for the other day. My advice: close your eyes and picture the utopia you’d give anything to live in. A place where all our problems have disappeared and robots do the cleaning. Now open your eyes, look at the ballot in front of you, and just pick the silliest name. The only real change comes from social movements, so get out there and do the work needed to make change happen.

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