Hey Venus Envy,

Why do some women enjoy anal sex, while others don’t? I know it has a lot to do with personal preference — but I also wonder why some women are so repulsed by the idea that they think women who like buttsex must be lying.

What is it about specific bodies that take pleasure in playing with an otherwise strictly exit hole?  Is there physical or structural differences that may explain this preference?

Anal Suspicion Suspect
Hey ASS,

Our sex-negative culture tells us that sex is only acceptable if it’s potentially procreative. Having married sex to make a baby is okay, but the further your sex is from that, the more stigmatized it is.

Women, especially, are intensely shamed for having sex just to feel good. We have all kinds of names for women like this, but mainly we call them sluts. We say that “good girls” don’t do things like anal play, and then we shame the girls who do.

This deeply impacts many of us. And I think the main reason some women are repulsed by anal sex is because it carries so much of this stigma. Because wanting anal sex is purely about wanting pleasure. Unadulterated, hedonistic, fuck-me-in-the-ass pleasure.

Ironically, that kind of cultural stigma is one of the reasons some people are so into taboo things. Because good girls aren’t supposed to have anal sex, doing it makes some women feel bad and dirty in the best, sexiest ways.

The other big thing that turns some women off from butt stuff is that they’ve only had irritating, painful, awful anal sex. I talk to a lot of women like this who genuinely can’t imagine that anyone really likes it, since their experience was so bad.

This is often because the anal sex they experienced was approached like anal sex in porn, where there’s generally no warm up, no lube and no communication. (Of course in porn, this stuff is usually done off camera.) In real life, anal sex can feel really good, but you need to listen to your body, go slowly and use a lot of lube.

One potential reason for booty pleasure is the high concentration of nerve endings around the opening of the butt. This is a huge erogenous zone for a lot of people, and rimming it with a tongue or lubed-up finger can feel especially good.

Beyond that, there are some other anatomical differences that might make anal sex feel better or worse, from person-to-person. Some women might have large or sensitive g-spots that are easily stimulated through the anal canal, leading to added sensation during sex. Similarly, some trans and intersex women who have prostates might find them to be an extra rich source of anal pleasure. For women with vaginas, some will love how filled up they feel by having something in the back and in the front.

While these differences will have some impact, like you said, personal preference plays the biggest role in determining what people are into. Ultimately, the brain is the biggest source of sexual pleasure, and being turned on by the idea of something can substantially change how it actually feels.

So the best way to make anal sex feel good is to have only it if you really want to.

Sam Whittle
Sex Educator and Owner of Venus Envy

Send questions you want answered to editors.the.leveller@gmail.com or direct to Sam at education@venusenvy.ca.

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