BY XL Petite
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
I often envy you Pisces. Much like a regular fish, you seem to have a 10-second attention span. Reminds me of that truckers’ convoy headed your way — and how they can’t stay focused on their pro-pipeline message without spiralling off into racist tangents and threats of political assassination. Wait. What was I talking about again?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, I’m pretty much going to ignore all of you and direct this horoscope to one Aries in particular, former Justice Minister Jody Raybould Wilson. Listen Jody, people like you a heck of a lot more than they like your boss. Resign, spill the beans, and then run for your seat in a few months with Jagmeet or Elizabeth and you’ll probably win anyway. Don’t let the snivelling aristocracy of Liberals and Conservatives control the messaging on this one.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I’m seeing red too, Taurus, on account of Ontario’s least favourite car salesman of a premier coming for student levy groups. Dig in and ram these terrible Tories.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
I see you’re having issues with trolls and man-babies again, Gemini. It’s understandable but frustrating. Ah, the imaginary problems of those who’ve nothing to struggle for. It’s lobster season, Gemini, so hopefully someone will cook the lobster psychologist too.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, have the existential questions of procreation ever occupied your mind late at night? There’s a toddler with all the answers, check out the interview of the decade: https://goo.gl/2vdftb
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
It’s Black History Month again Leo — an amazing time to get together with friends and family and absolutely shatter our horrific and erroneous assumptions about Black history and presence north of the 49th. I recommend a reading circle with Robyn Maynard’s Policing Black Lives and Afua Cooper’s The Hanging of Angelique.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Today Virgo, was the day that the stars gazed back. And I gotta tell you, it was a bit invasive. I feel like they were collectively retaliating against me for studying them all so closely and just wanted to let me know what it was like to be peered at. Have you ever been stared at by an infinite amount of sparkling eyes in the sky? Try staying up all night for several months at a time and then looking up on a clear night…
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Haikuroscope for you, Libra, so buckle up and take notes!
Uncanny is the speed!
Shot with such force and purpose
Beware pooping babes
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
The skilful reader might have discerned by now that my astrology has been somewhat clouded of late by lack of sleep and the presence of child. Rest assured, I’ll be back to optimum performance by the time you get the Confederation Line up and running. I reckon my infant will be in college by then.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Saggi! My daughter was born on the last day of your sign in 2018! I’ve always favoured you. (Sorry, Libra. Look, don’t be such a baby about it.) But now doubly so. I have to say though, as a person who has not slept a night since Dec. 21 of 2018, the most lucid of horoscopes seem to arrive sometime between 2:47 and 5:25 am. Keep that in mind.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Cap, I think it’s time that we start mailing copies of The Leveller to Doug Ford. Why not? I mean, he thinks the world is a cabal of leftists anyway — why not at least drive his blood pressure up a bit for the next few months? I think one copy per day for the next 90 days should suffice. And yes, I’m aware that you print monthly — wouldn’t that just be even freakier?
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Aquarius, way back in 2013 this column first introduced you to the politics of Grolar Bears. It seems their relatives, the polar bears, are engaged in an ecological assault on the Russian presence in the Arctic! Make no mistake, this attack on Russia is a feint – a smokescreen for the impending alliance of Polar and Grolar Bears that will march south to Ottawa before winter is over. You have been warned.