By K. Williams
If you have access to technology and even the slightest fondness for social media, you’ve probably seen that Aziz Ansari is under fire for sexual misconduct. In case you aren’t aware of the details, the 34-year-old, multi-millionaire comedian went on a date with 22-year-old Grace (a pseudonym). The two went for dinner and then back to Ansari’s apartment, where Ansari proceeded to persistently push Grace for sex, failing to heed statements like “I want to slow down,” “I’m not comfortable” and even “I don’t want to hate you.” (For an intricate play-by-play of the encounter, see Babe.net’s exclusive article).
The story is currently a trending topic because people have all sorts of opinions about what Grace should have done differently. Some say she shouldn’t have gone to his apartment at all if she wanted to avoid his advances. Others accuse her of crying wolf, believing that Ansari did nothing wrong. Others still spout off that all these sexual assault allegations in the media are simply a sign of a society that’s “gone too far.”
As a feminist and someone that supports women that have experienced sexual violence professionally, I’ve thought long and hard about the recent slough of allegations. I’ve stewed over what the allegations against Ansari mean in particular, as his behaviour was quickly dismissed by many as unproblematic.
For all of you currently overwhelmed by the sheer number of assault cases, for those of you who just aren’t sure what to make of the whole thing and those of you saying “Yes but things have gone too far!” I say this: We need to discuss the grey areas in order to have a handle on the more definite, obvious violations. We have to talk about the entitlement, the selfishness, the male gaze, the lack of empathy that leads to a situation where someone can be turned on while completely ignoring the person they’re with. Rather than ask ourselves why things have gone so far, perhaps we should ask how we got this far without having these conversations already. We have to talk about the less obvious things because they’re even more common and more commonly committed by “good guys” – and because they are often signs of bigger problems and things to come. We need to pay attention, to listen.
Have you ever felt vulnerable? Violated, even? I’ll let you in on a secret: it all feels the same. Whether a guy pushes you too far, ignores your “no” or you wake up to someone thrusting inside of you, the gut feeling, that initial response, is exactly the same: Fear. Hot, burning shame.
Your brain does not initially differentiate between types or severity of violations. And we shouldn’t either, especially when talking with or supporting people that have experienced violations. We need to listen to eradicate sexual violations, big and small.
And finally, these conversations are healing some people. When I first started understanding power dynamics, I was 21 and in a really shitty relationship. I would google “emotional manipulation” as solace. Every story I read echoed mine in some way. I revelled in the vastness of the problem – because it made me feel so much less alone. I don’t know where my life would’ve gone without those stories. It helped so much. It helped me make sense of what was happening to me; it led directly to my work as a sexual assault support counsellor.
What’s scarier than the fact that we have to define what sexual assault looks like over and over, is the very fact that we keep having to fight to have these conversations themselves – especially when they are necessary for healing and understanding. Remember that each conversation is an attempt to understand power dynamics and neutralize them, by calling attention to unbalanced positions of power like Ansari’s. Remember, next time you feel angry or upset about these conversations, their purpose is so much bigger than you.
This article first appeared in the Leveller Vol. 10, No. 4 (Jan/Feb 2018).
