by Dadical
Welcome to Parenting from Below, the Leveller’s column for parents and their friends and allies. The column discusses the various trials and tribulations of social justice parenting while aiming to create a dialogue among parents and their supporters on raising children with a critical perspective and a radical purpose.
Our society is dominated by overconsumption, hypersexism, racism, homophobia, and a myriad of other forms of discrimination and oppression. These conditions leave parents in a life-consuming struggle. In short, radical parenting has become a necessity. This column will look at the why and how of parenting from below, of challenging and defying parenting norms, and of sharing and soliciting ideas from radical parents and their allies.
Last issue we examined the implications of telling our children “no” at every turn, emphasizing that they hear variations of the term on average 400 times per day.
So what are the alternatives when “no” is ultimately the answer?
Setting empathic limits, says Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids, is a necessary starting point. This can be done without saying “no”, and without threatening or implementing punishment. It involves being compassionate, remaining calm, not placing blame, and not taking it personally, while setting and enforcing reasonable limits. It is not always easy to do, and empathy towards oneself is the key to achievement.
Recognizing your child’s feelings, whether excited or upset, before explaining why you disapprove of her behaviour, helps with avoiding to say “no” while building and reinforcing empathy. It also helps at putting names on feelings. The underlying secret is to be mindful of not guilt-tripping the baby into only doing things that will not make mommy, daddy, Grammies and others sad.
When possible, try reframing a “no” as a “yes.” “Yes, we can play together after we wash your hands.” Sometimes, even stating a fact is enough. We learned this from another parent at daycare. When faced with a child whose mouth was about to be covered in ink, the mom calmly stated a small fact of life: “markers are for drawing.” And it worked. I’m sure it doesn’t always work, but it can help keep ourselves in check and be a step away from escalation.
This relates to offering choices or options for your child, which helps build independence, self-confidence and competence. Our daily struggle to get the baby to brush her teeth became a tad easier since she has been given the opportunity to choose which toothpaste she wants to use. In addition, framing a question as “this or that?” allows us to dodge a close-ended query with an inevitable “no” answer.
When faced with the revelation that our child was sometimes a little brute – hitting, pushing and kicking those her size and bigger – we tried to show and tell. Take their hand and make less violent motions while saying “gentle”, or their foot and say “quiet foot.” Or “eat that foot!” A good laugh is better than yelling, crying, or saying “no,” and releases a great dose of dopamine and endorphin, “feel-good” hormones.
Sometimes, however, the emotions that kids feel are too big for them to regulate or to laugh away. In those cases, Markham recommends “time-ins”: being fully present for your kid during a crisis, telling them you will not let them go through this alone, even if they don’t want to be hugged at that moment. These time-ins can even be scheduled so that you can prepare yourself emotionally for them.
Resource of the month: Aha! Parenting Blog. 10 Secrets Every Parent Needs to Know About Saying No.
